Faith

  • read Bible daily (in the mornings preferably)
  • study a book of the Bible in depth at least once per week
  • keep up with Prayer Binderr
  • do NOT volunteer to lead another women’s Bible study
  • make decision about MOPS (to lead or not to lead?)

Family

  • have another child
  • do more outside activities with kids
  • plan more outings

Finances

  • planned expenses only
  • keep business books up to date
  • gain additional income

Physical

  • start running with Curt 3x week
  • go hiking with MeetUp group

Friends

  • have a Ladie’s Day/Night Out once every 2-3 months
  • have a couple’s dinner once a quarter

Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the LORD.
Today’s New International Version

Did dh actually say last night that he’s ready AND EXCITED to adopt now? O-M-G! No way!? Maybe I should give this a few days before I celebrate…

Micah 6:14-15 (New International Version)

14 You will eat but not be satisfied;
your stomach will still be empty.
You will store up but save nothing,
because what you save I will give to the sword.

15 You will plant but not harvest;
you will press olives but not use the oil on yourselves,
you will crush grapes but not drink the wine.

One evening last week, hubby said something that later sent me spiraling into a fit of tears. At the time, it was great news, to hear that he could forsee us finally on the adoption journey by this time next year. Yay! I thought at first. Though I was guardedly optimistic (he’ s led me on like this before), I was, still, optimistic.

But sometime over the 24 hours following his announcement, something began to change. I began to think “This time next year? I’ve already been waiting for over a year and a half. Zoe is already over 3.5 years old. By this time next year, she will be closer to 5. If we don’t start until this time next year, and most adoptions of infants take anywhere from 12 to 18 months from application to child in arms, then she will be nearly 6 years old by the time her younger sibling comes into our lives. Do you realize what that does to my entire plan?! It’s compeletely thrown off by more than 3 years!!! I don’t want there to be 6 years between Zoe and her next sibling! My sister was 9 years older than me. Zoe already has siblings 6 and 14 years older than her. Dh’s sister is 6 years older than him. This was not my plan. Two years apart was the plan, modified to 3, compromised to 4.”

On the spot, I began to bawl. Neither of us saw that coming. Even upon waking the next morning I was overcome by what I now realize was grief. Grief over the loss of my “perfect” family. Grief for the loss of my solution to years of my own loneliness as a child, loss of my answer to the disconnectedness of the blended family I now live in, loss of dreams of Zoe having a sister or brother close in age that she could have as a companion. I went so far as to tell my husband that the whole adoption idea was off.  I was not going to have another “only” child.

The grief even made me rethink going to the Fostering Hope meeting at church that day. Fostering Hope is a new ministry that has launched at my church, a ministry dedicated to bringing Christ into the lives of foster children in my area. I was completely deflated and discouraged so I thought I might just blow it off. Hubby encouraged me to go though, and even took the day off from work to go with me.

The Holy Spirit really ministered to me through that meeting. I realized that I was focusing on adoption as a solution to my problems, a way to meet MY needs, rather than looking at the child’s needs. I realized how selfish I was being. There are so many children that need homes and I was ready to deny a child a chance in our home because s/he didn’t fit my plan. I thought I was fully committed to God’s will for adoption, but had actually exerted my own will on how that would look. I realized, again, that I needed to let go of my will for my family and fully submit to God’s plans for creating my family, however that may look. I shared this revelation with my husband and told him how hard it is to grieve the loss of “the perfect family.” He was so understanding and supportive.

I guess I have to keep trusting Him to grow and prosper my  family and give us a hope and a future the way HE wants.

God, give me less of me, more of you. Help me not to get in the way of your plans. Be with us on this journey toward adoption  (But can you please hurry it up a bit?)

I’ve still got the adoption bug, badly. Scouring every adoption forum and discussion group out there, I found a post I wrote when adoption first captured my heart. Here is the message I wrote to a Christian adoption group on Sunday July 15, 2007 at 12:06 pm :

All my life, adoption was something I was open to but never have I considered it with the passion and excitement I’ve had over the last two weeks. I have really felt the Lord’s prompting in that direction, more than I ever have before. His voice is loud and clear, with confirmations everywhere I turn.

The last couple days, I’ve been so excited! I’m online doing nonstop research into the process. So far it feels as though God wants us to adopt a baby girl from Veitnam. My dh is not against this but he’s not as excited as I am, he hasn’t exactly heard “the Word” like I have. I’ve read that this is common and even from our own experiences, he wasn’t nearly as elated as I was when the Lord told me it was time to have our daughter Zoë. Generally, the Lord speaks to me about our family and to my husband about our business. What is helping me to not become anxious about his lack of enthusiasm is knowing that if this is God’s will, it will be done, and my husband’s feelings about it are God’s responsibility, not mine. I’m praying for both of us to hear and obey.

So, as I went to bed last night, I asked God for His will to prevail over mine. I am SO VERY excited about this that I sometimes fear I will do something to ruin it, or run ahead without seeking God’s guidance first. I remind myself that God has not given me a spirit of fear and I know that if I am walking in faith, God will protect me from myself.  ;) I also prayed to know whether I should begin some of the preliminary work now — which is difficult NOT to do but I don’t want to go against my dh’s wishes either. This morning as I was watching Joel Osteen, he spoke on living with expectancy, a message I’ve heard many, many times. Joel talked about a woman who wants a child and if she lives with expectancy she buys the baby’s clothes, tells others a baby’s on the way, etc.  That sounds like my answer. I’ll talk this over with my dh tonight and probably go forward with gathering all the info I can for now, choosing an adoption agency, and familiarizing myself with the process. Are there any other steps I can take now in preparation?

The other issue I am in constant prayer about is our finances. I know that adoption is expensive and there is assistance but for the past several months we have been in financial crisis. I am talking about NO money in the bank at all. (( I know things are about to change but they haven’t yet. We are truly walking by faith here and not by sight. What is it they say? That if you could do it in your own power, you wouldn’t need God? We really need a miracle for this to get done.

I apologize that this is so long ). This is the first time I’ve been able to discuss these things and I really needed to share my heart. I’d love to hear your reflections and faith stories. I’m reading all the old posts till my eyes hurt. I feel like I did the day the Lord told me it was time to have my daughter. I can’t think about anything else, I pray for her and her birth parents, I look at pictures of little babies from Vietnam, I dream about her, I even know her name. My bf from college is Vietnamese and I emailed her yesterday and am hoping she can have a huge part in this child’s life. I could go on and on…;;)

————

I’m almost astonished at how long it’s been since God first put this on my heart. Sixteen long, hard months of waiting. Waiting to be a waiting family. Waiting for God to move. Waiting for my husband’s heart to join mine. Waiting for mine to abandon this hope. Another thing I notice about that post is how optimistic and full of faith I sound. I don’t sound that way anymore. And I think it was a front then. Now I tend to sound resigned. Resigned to the idea that this will ever happen. Resigned to my husband’s lack of desire for more children in our home. It’s hard for me to keep a balance between being expectant and realistic. How obnoxious would my husband think it if I actually did come home with some newborn baby clothes. Please.

Dh and I talked about it last weekend and he’s still not on board. He likened it to grocery shopping while you are full. He can’t even contemplate the possibility of adoption until dss graduates and moves out this summer. He knows adoption can take several months to even get a referral and he can understand that I want to start now, but he’s full. Ah well, let the waiting game continue.

Foster Care Facts and Figures

Children Entering Foster Care
• Approximately 300,000 children enter foster care each year
• Currently, there are 514,000 children in foster care
• There are approximately 115,000 children in foster care waiting for permanent families
Characteristics Of Children In Foster Care
• Almost half (47%) of children waiting for adoption are ages 9 or older
• The average age of a child in foster care waiting to be adopted is 8.6 years
• 36% of the children who are waiting to be adopted from foster care are African American
• 15% of the children who are waiting to be adopted from foster care are Hispanic
The Need For Parents
• Each year, approximately 24,000 children “age out” of the foster care system without ever having been placed with a permanent family
• Children who exit foster care without a permanent family are at higher risk for poor outcomes, including dropping out of school and other challenges
• Foster care is meant to be temporary, not a permanent situation for children to grow up in
• Transitioning to adulthood is a difficult time for any adolescent. Youth in foster care are particularly in need of ongoing support and guidance from a permanent, loving family they can belong to up until age 18 and beyond

 

Want to know more? Check out this article about National Adoption Month on About.com.

Last week began with a very small, simple statement I made to my husband as we were just beginning to wake up. I told him that I felt as though I was losing hope of ever having another child.

Little did I know that the rest of the week would be filled with nudging after nudging. Gentle reminders of our Lord’s faithfulness. Really, it was astounding. Each day was something different, a message about my desire to have more children, both through birth and through adoption, and now I’m regretting not writing it down each day. Let’s see if I can remember all of them.

  • 10/12: Sunday’s sermon at church was about God’s peace and protection and my Bible study for the week was about the same thing.
  • 10/13: I subscribe to Today’s Word with Joel Osteen, which lately I usually delete. I happened to open it Monday and it was about Peace That Passes Understanding.
  • 10/14: The one time I turned on the TV during the week, I tuned into DayStar and a man was instantly in my face saying “someone here has given up on a dream and God is telling you to hold on!”
  • 10/15: I met a lady that mentioned knowing someone for whom Vitex helped them get pregnant right away
  • 10/17: I saw a friend at MOPS who is now pregnant. She and I both struggled around the same time with trying to conceive.
  • 10/18: By chance, I read one post from one Yahoo group, and there was a link to another group just for African American parents adopting Asian children.
  • 10/18: a few weeks ago, a woman in my Bible study told me my name meant “bird” in Japanese. I just realized that the Vietnamese name I chose last summer for my future daughter from Vietnam means “bird” also
  • 10/19: My husband was watching TV last night and passed by Joel Osteen’s service and Cindy Cruse-Ratcliff was talking about her recent adoption of twin infants.

What I’m learning is that God has placed certain desires within me, but that does not necessarily mean they will come to pass in the time I wish them to. I have to work at remaining patient, and use this waiting period to continue to prepare my body, mind, and heart for what is to come. Walking my faith…

Next Page »