walking.my.faith…

I’ve still got the adoption bug, badly. Scouring every adoption forum and discussion group out there, I found a post I wrote when adoption first captured my heart. Here is the message I wrote to a Christian adoption group on Sunday July 15, 2007 at 12:06 pm :

All my life, adoption was something I was open to but never have I considered it with the passion and excitement I’ve had over the last two weeks. I have really felt the Lord’s prompting in that direction, more than I ever have before. His voice is loud and clear, with confirmations everywhere I turn.

The last couple days, I’ve been so excited! I’m online doing nonstop research into the process. So far it feels as though God wants us to adopt a baby girl from Veitnam. My dh is not against this but he’s not as excited as I am, he hasn’t exactly heard “the Word” like I have. I’ve read that this is common and even from our own experiences, he wasn’t nearly as elated as I was when the Lord told me it was time to have our daughter Zoë. Generally, the Lord speaks to me about our family and to my husband about our business. What is helping me to not become anxious about his lack of enthusiasm is knowing that if this is God’s will, it will be done, and my husband’s feelings about it are God’s responsibility, not mine. I’m praying for both of us to hear and obey.

So, as I went to bed last night, I asked God for His will to prevail over mine. I am SO VERY excited about this that I sometimes fear I will do something to ruin it, or run ahead without seeking God’s guidance first. I remind myself that God has not given me a spirit of fear and I know that if I am walking in faith, God will protect me from myself.   I also prayed to know whether I should begin some of the preliminary work now — which is difficult NOT to do but I don’t want to go against my dh’s wishes either. This morning as I was watching Joel Osteen, he spoke on living with expectancy, a message I’ve heard many, many times. Joel talked about a woman who wants a child and if she lives with expectancy she buys the baby’s clothes, tells others a baby’s on the way, etc.  That sounds like my answer. I’ll talk this over with my dh tonight and probably go forward with gathering all the info I can for now, choosing an adoption agency, and familiarizing myself with the process. Are there any other steps I can take now in preparation?

The other issue I am in constant prayer about is our finances. I know that adoption is expensive and there is assistance but for the past several months we have been in financial crisis. I am talking about NO money in the bank at all.  I know things are about to change but they haven’t yet. We are truly walking by faith here and not by sight. What is it they say? That if you could do it in your own power, you wouldn’t need God? We really need a miracle for this to get done.

I apologize that this is so long . This is the first time I’ve been able to discuss these things and I really needed to share my heart. I’d love to hear your reflections and faith stories. I’m reading all the old posts till my eyes hurt. I feel like I did the day the Lord told me it was time to have my daughter. I can’t think about anything else, I pray for her and her birth parents, I look at pictures of little babies from Vietnam, I dream about her, I even know her name. My bf from college is Vietnamese and I emailed her yesterday and am hoping she can have a huge part in this child’s life. I could go on and on…

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I’m almost astonished at how long it’s been since God first put this on my heart. Sixteen long, hard months of waiting. Waiting to be a waiting family. Waiting for God to move. Waiting for my husband’s heart to join mine. Waiting for mine to abandon this hope. Another thing I notice about that post is how optimistic and full of faith I sound. I don’t sound that way anymore. And I think it was a front then. Now I tend to sound resigned. Resigned to the idea that this will ever happen. Resigned to my husband’s lack of desire for more children in our home. It’s hard for me to keep a balance between being expectant and realistic. How obnoxious would my husband think it if I actually did come home with some newborn baby clothes. Please.

Dh and I talked about it last weekend and he’s still not on board. He likened it to grocery shopping while you are full. He can’t even contemplate the possibility of adoption until dss graduates and moves out this summer. He knows adoption can take several months to even get a referral and he can understand that I want to start now, but he’s full. Ah well, let the waiting game continue.