He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us, so
Oh How he loves us, how he loves us so

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how he loves us so,
Oh how he loves us, how he loves us so

Yeah he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So, heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

Yeah, he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

I know I feel unlovable and unloving at times. I have those days when I can’t do or say anything right. Days when nothing cheers me up and I don’t want it to. But then the Spirit puts this song in my heart and I can’t help being uplifted. Remember that Jesus came for the unlovable. The unwanted. The sinners, not the saints. Let Him remake you.

How do you cope whenever you feel unlovable? What lifts your spirits most?

Like that title, huh? Reads just like a news headline, doesn’t it? Well, that’s my news anyway.

One day a few weeks ago, I had a mini-breakdown during which I confessed to my husband that I wasn’t good at anything. Not one thing. I had been job hunting for about a week, looking at job postings both within my field and outside my comfort zone. I am trained as a family therapist but have many other areas of interest outside of that. So I began applying for everything from teaching positions to dog grooming assistant. And no one has called back.

Quickly I realized that I’ve been out of my field too long to be of much use to anyone. University of Phoenix, where I have a standing application, prefers instructors that have been working in their field the last 5 years. Guess what, mommyhood doesn’t count.  Not even for teaching child development courses.

Fast forward to conversation with hubby. I cry telling him that there’s really nothing I can do anymore. Sweet man that he is, he talks me down and we have a good conversation about what I am interested in, if I want to pursue my therapy license and when and how. I told him I think I should have become a veterinarian instead of a therapist. Might do that one day. We also discussed how much I enjoy baking and that I’d like to make and occasionally sell pies.

I made 10 pies for relatives over the holidays and barely broke a sweat, I loved it so much! I made 4 pies for friends and relatives for Mother’s Day last weekend, have some orders for peach pies this weekend, and am planning fresh cherry and seedless blackberry pies for Memorial Day. These simple recipes are helping me to get acquainted with “pie theory,” practice some basic skills, and experiment with making the perfect pie crust. Next, I’d like to learn to be creative and think outside the pie pan to come up with some pie recipes people will love to pay for. I want to “specialize” in fruit pies made from local, organic fruit with sugar-free and gluten-free options.

I am one of those people who quickly becomes overwhelmed with hobbies that turn into jobs and then I lose interest, so I’m trying to stay relaxed about all this. Usually that means deciding on a whim when I’m ready to bake again and hoping people are also ready to buy. That’s ok though. As long as I don’t take myself too seriously, I think things will be ok. This will be fun!

Have you had an identity crisis since becoming a parent? How did you handle it?

She was born of my tears, my gut-wrenching pain.

She was born out of the deepest desire to become a mother again.

She was born out of a fiery, passionate love.

She was conceived long before my heart ever knew her.

She was born out of uncertainty that my body could deliver her naturally, normally.

She was born in a shroud of fear that another cesarean would be necessary. 

She was born at home, in our bed, surrounded by strong Chrisitan women who have become dear friends.

She was born without intervention.

She was born of many, many tears shed that year for many, many different reasons.

She was born, even though the early ultrasound said she would not be.

She was born of God’s extravagant love for me.

How has God shown you His extravagant love?

This Sunday in church at Church Project, I heard a message about a parable I must have heard about a hundred times in my life. But TODAY. WAS. DIFFERENT. I was prompted to take a look at the crop I’ve been yielding, if any. Pastor Jason Shepperd noted that in the parable of the sower and the seed, each time, the seed started out different, but ended up the same. His point was that even if we start out being on fire for God, we can still end up in the same place of barrenness. It means nothing to say that I was on fire for Christ 5 years ago, if I’ve born no fruit in the time since. Relevant. Yes. Very yes.

Lately we’ve been going through a very tough time financially. I have been so focused on just surviving, that I haven’t paid much attention to what is thriving in my spiritual life.

So, I’m examining my life. My fruit. I had to ask myself what the Bible says I’m supposed to be growing. My first thought was the Fruit of the Spirit. Am I bearing the Fruit of the Spirit in my life?

In the Summer of 2006 I worked on the Beth Moore study Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit. At the time, I couldn’t honestly say I displayed any. Love. Sometimes. Joy. Rarely. Peace. Maybe so. Patience. Not at all. Kindness. Forced at best. Goodness. Not too hard. Gentleness. Does quiet rage count? Faithfulness. Not really. Self-control. Nah.

Today though, I’m happy to see that I do have some fruit.  Peace: Thankful for it, especially now as we struggle along with so many others in a failing economy. Patience: I have learned to wait on the Lord and have been blessed in doing so (have you seen my adoption timeline?). Faithfulness: Learning to tithe NO MATTER WHAT has been impressed upon me without a doubt. Not only my own, but God’s faithfulness has been shown to me in miraculous ways. Self-control: I’ve learned to curb mydangerous spending habits. In fact, I’ve been truly transformed and have become accustomed to first looking for what I need for free on sites like Freecycle, and second for cheap on sites like Craigslist.

I’ve made a paradigm shift and I love it. God is still working in me every day and for that I am truly grateful. This WIP (work in progress) has a lot more to learn. I look forward to sharing more of that journey here as I take stock of where I’ve been and where I’m going… walking my faith. 

Has life been choking out your seed? Are you showing any spiritual maturity with God? What fruit are you bearing?
 
Luke 8:1-15

The Parable of the Sower

 ¹After this, Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve were with him, ²and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; ³Joanna the wife of Cuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.

 ⁴While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: ⁵“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up. ⁶Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. ⁷Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. ⁸Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”
      When he said this, he called out, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

 ⁹His disciples asked him what this parable meant. ¹⁰He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that,
   ” ‘though seeing, they may not see;
      though hearing, they may not understand.’^[a]

 ¹¹“This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. ¹²Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. ¹³Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. ¹⁴The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. ¹⁵But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.